T.M. Shannon

Hi everyone,

Yep, I’m back.

I hadn’t forgotten to post last week… Okay, yes, I did. But I had 12.5 hours of good reason not to post – a Lord of the Rings Extended Edition in 4K movie marathon.

And I gotta say, it really boosted my spirits sitting down to movies I like, booking a hotel for a mini-trip away to the North Shore (so fancy up that way lol), but above all having the time with my darling partner and 100% support – it was so fulfilling

And that segues perfectly into today’s post, because I’ve just gotten a boost that’s really working out for me.

Mambo #5

I’ve thrown a new med into the mix.

I’m no fan of tablets, I’m lucky I can swallow them (I chewed for quite some time as a kid), so throwing another one down my gullet isn’t exactly something I look forward to.

But something had to give. Go back to my previous Mental Health/ Addiction post, and you’ll see me diving into depression. And it was getting bleak – yeah, I had a couple of brief thoughts, at least skipping ideation, but it gives me an awful feeling right now.

I was despondent, sad, ambivalent, you name it. My sleep was very problematic, I couldn’t shake the vapes, I couldn’t shake the addictive behaviours, I was a wreck.

The problem didn’t stem from my thoughts, though. I could and can think. But underneath that was this angry static, besides feeling that my thoughts hurt, this undercurrent hurt more and was rupturing my concentration.

As I said to my boss and my partner, I forgot five things in three days, losing a set of tools along the way. It really got me down, and I knew it was something to do with my dopamine or at least concentration.

Enter my psych, and me being honest about where I was at, all the concentration lapses and thought problems, and asking about the low dose of Ritalin he mentioned previously.

That was a no go, history of psychosis and mania, though I had seen studies where Ritalin proved beneficial and didn’t push the mania. I’m okay with that take, and so I got an alternative that acted similarly – a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor.

And boy, what a world of difference.

Much Needed Clarity

The angry undercurrent is gone, and I can think clearly. I’m actually on patrol in the car park not thinking of anything – I usually in a chaotic train of thought where I can’t track where I’ve been or how I got there.

The low mood has lifted and I’m scoring 5 on the bipolarmeter – normal – with feelings of contentment, calmness, safety – so much better than before

My addict/inner child went to sleep for two weeks, with no unbeatable urges, only a faint few thoughts popping by I can send up to the Higher Power now, whereas I could be in the middle of desperate prayer and fail miserably.

Granted, its gotten onto shaky ground now because I want to quit vaping – and goodness were the withdrawals quick, me sleeping twice Friday, endless snoozing today until there’s no time but to get up, thank my meeting for that.

I guess it’s me trying to do too many things at the same time, and i don’t have the bone density for that. Sadly that meant buying a vape to cool, but it’s well past time to cut down, and the wife has asked me to keep at work while she prepares for future surgery.

I say sadly, but I’m okay with the decision, because last night and today the addict woke up and was back to trying every trick to get me to act out.

Now No Longer About Clarity

Before the new med, addictive behaviour brought a moment two of clarity before fading, enough of a dopamine hit to reach a semblance of normal, but never enough to carry through.

My brain running on empty after the undercurrent saw me breaking sobriety on either a three-day, two-day, one-day, even 4-hour basis – and that’s debilitating as hell, everything you want from recovery blasted to smithereens.

It’s not nice to know the addictive side – unhealthy and maladaptive coping mechanisms – was caused by your condition and everything you’ve been through in life, and possibly into your distant genetics as well. Frankly, it’s despairing.

And the addict thrives on that despair, pushes the act out, which pushes you into more despair in the great Circle of Knives – being addicted more to the shame and grief, woe is me, come back to the shadows, even though it’s hollowing you out.

Bleak as hell? You bet.

And being in this need a vape or I’m gonna break 13 days of well-deserved sobriety, well, as I said, I’m okay, but wish it wasn’t the case i needed it to back up that sobriety.

But now that I have clarity, a pleasant emptiness and zen, the addict now would be pushing me into the addictive high – and I need to avoid that having been neck deep in addictive throes.

I Don’t Need It

I sound miserable and defeatist, or else that’s just imposter syndrome, but even with the recent turmoil, I’m glad to be here and not active addiction, and especially the wounded inner child having a good rest.

But there’s no pretending I’m not capable of sinking again. Deny or downplay it all I want, I have an addiction and am at the addict’s whim.

Unlike then, being off my Olanzapine, living crammed into a tiny room, lonely, tired, stressed, I have a lot of reasons not to sink – I’ll let you imagine what I felt after each relapse – and I have to hold dear to them.

Foremost, having a Higher Power, funnily enough found in the days before my manic episode, but sought appropriately two days out after it. Yep, a non-scripture atheist, crazy bisexual found God – not bad.

As I managed to find getting to work on steps 1 to 3, and a good 67 days of sobriety – though I’ll acknowledge crazy not serene sobriety – having it again in a tangible sense, I’m not dangling off a cliff. This time I need to keep it.

Then there’s my kid, whose upcoming school trip I’m paying for – and given how much money I burned in active addiction, having that money to put towards what’s going to be an amazing experience for him, not to mention I need money to go and see him, is a much better investment.

Seems weird putting my darling partner fourth on this list – think of it as 1a, 1b, 1c, 1d – but I made vows, and I didn’t make them lightly, I don’t want to cause any heartache or distrust. I feel bad enough for the minor things getting me back to day zero.

There’s seven more things to be grateful for and fight for. And I choose to fight for them.

And That’s It

Well, that was a pretty deep 7 minute read, and I don’t have much to add.

Wherever you are in the world, in life, in your treatment, or in your recovery, stay safe and brave.

Until next time,
T. M.