T.M. Shannon

Hi everybody,

Yes, I’ve been quiet of late, forgetting some posting dates, skipping a last ditched effort to “Please read last week’s blog,” but I suppose that will get its place once I have enough posts to link relating to each topic.

But no, it’s not the anxiety and depression funk I’ve been having of late coupled with the lack of sleep. Okay, it is, but the prime distraction is something I’ll allude to later, but needless to say, it’s the best one ever.

There’s also another distraction – to whit, the game I spent $135 or so on, Starfield.

I was trying to avoid the Shattered Space update, (I had my reasons owing to prime distraction), but my computer had other ideas and linked to WiFi, and lo-and-behold I got the update, and lost my FPS.

And it’s not, “We updated the graphics so your 3060ti-porting laptop is now a potato,” loss of FPS. It’s an “affecting people with monster PCs and no reduction of your graphics settings will help,” loss of FPS.

I tried to like this game. I rated it 7.5/10, big upset from a developer I love. Mods made it 9.5, but every Creation mod save gave me the white building issue. I turned it shoot’n’loot and had some joy, was looking forward to the DLC.

Now, no more. Besides I’m not keen on fixing something I had to end up playing in vanilla (tried to reload the shaders but same issue that didn’t affect me the day before the update), the lead writer has taken to stockholder talk talking the game up and I’m thinking fellatio, and reviews are in that the “DLC” is short of previous standards.

I digress, but long story short, facing a not-much story and an experience that’s pretty much the reality of this plagued release, I might be done with Elder Scrolls – actually it’s not a might, I had issues with Skyrim, too.

And with that, I’m going to delve back into my actual woe and anxiety working on Three Ways – pain I give myself for free!

The Darker Side of Writing

It was my firm belief anybody could write a story. In fact, yes anybody can, but it’s worth or goodness is debatable (and yes, I’ve written crap, and crap within crap within crap).

Yes, that has changed, at least to the point of knowing what you’re writing about. Me, it turns out to be people getting shit done. But neurotransmitters? Yep, I researched.

But still, Three Ways is largely seat of the pants – it all fit in from a smattering of a smattering of romantic movies and shows, no books whatsoever, just knowing basic tropes.

It works, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with the current end result. Noticed I said current? Because the previous end result, which was itself a deviation from the intended end result, was revealed to me as horrifically out of character and not something to explore here.

And the current end result resulted in an extensive rewrite I was loving at the beginning but got insanely anxious about by the end. It wasn’t without improvements, 602 pages becoming 483 with other rip-outs, but it’s still not the end of the line.

Cute segue, line editing.

The writing is enough of a struggle at times, whether it’s in your planning, having ideas while working, limited writing time, the researching, the imposter syndrome or procrastination.

But it is nothing next to sending your darlings to the chopping block. And I gave myself a lot of darlings to chop to pieces. Not necessarily a bad thing, I have another story idea. But this isn’t easy.

Looking at your work objectively takes patience. Yes, I’ve hissed and spat at rough feedback on a few shared things. I’ve copped it and taken it as a death in the family (quintessential first self-published book experience) and hissed and spat to the power of 99.

It takes reading back your work, and you are your own worst enemy. I’ve at least figured out using Screen Narrator from Windows as it’s perfect for line editing, you can literally go line by line, which got me to cut The Ways In down to size (yet still miss a few things).

It takes courage to send your baby out to get eviscerated by beta readers – in fact, I’ve reached out for them before and gotten nowhere from it, yet the one I managed to wrangle is the reason for the re-write (thank you for helping me see my sins).

The ultimate is getting through after a professional editor gets their comments on your manuscript, another run through something you’ve run through after running through it a couple of more times.

Ahh, breath, much needed.

It’s not what’s troubling me, though. My anxiety and depression are acting up.

Getting in the Way

So, I’ve been on a downward trajectory of late.

I’m stagnated on Step 4, I’m bouncing around early sobriety, I really am that fragile and I hate it and don’t know what’s going wrong or how to adopt prayer and program though am making some effort at outreach.

I’ve been vaping like crazy, and it’s been making me anxious – trying to get off them makes me anxious and want to vape (fun). That nicotine – and I do believe the flavours – has helped me go 9.9 on my blood sugar.

My meds are getting to me, the antidepressant has done a number on my bowels and I’m IBS now – thankfully I’m not celiac, no illness or parasites, no blood traces in my stool, but still a lot of discomfort.

Money has been a massive problem, even though there’s a reason for it, but I’m so not secure at the moment, which has been weighing on me (and dragged out an extra two days after I got some good news).

And I’d been addicted to Reddit – so bad that since I took it off my phone, I haven’t wanted to touch it at all (but as the evil robot guy said, I’ll be back).

And it’s been coming up against the writing.

Like I said above, I wound up getting anxious at the last couple of chapters, I found them a struggle even though they’re pointed in what they do, their purpose is sound. Vape breaks really killed it, too.

Finishing, and resolving to go reviewing from the start, I was okay for the first chapter but sank into woe on the next. Being out then uncomfortable/embarrassed by the IBS and hiding at home didn’t help.

And here’s the thing, I want to get through it, I’ve been doing some fine tuning adding in conversation prompts as I’m going without, “he/she/ they said.”

As an aside, sure it’s a word-count of 165k or so, but I find it satisfactory given the page count (averages out to 2.1k words per chapter).

At least with effort yesterday I got two chapters reviewed, and even managed without the narrator for most of it. I was anxious to get done and move on to something else, okay I can live with it, but no crippling.

Is it over? Is the crippling just lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce again? It won’t be the only thing that claws in, ducks away, and claws back in again (hi, my addiction). I don’t know, and guess time will tell.

And That’s Really It

Up and down in 8 minutes, not bad. I was expecting to have more to add, but it really is don’t know if its anxiety and depression or flying through things next.

The game woes? Yeah, I’m not the only person let down by triple-A B-gradery and other problems, and probably not the only one playing Skyrim again.

But I’ve asked for a Steam voucher for my birthday and I’m going to get Baldur’s Gate 3. I’ve just had another story idea and started jotting things down. And life currently has a very good reason to be wonderful.

So, I’ll leave it there.

Wherever, whoever, however, whatever you are, I hope you’re doing and going well, and if not, I get it, it’s tough and life can be S.H.I.T., but you’re not alone and your troubles are important.

Take care,

T. M.