Quite the Diagnosis that My Psych Threw Four Meds at It

Hi everyone,

Well would you look at that, I’m back a week later (yay), which is a vast improvement over my forays on Blogger. And first off, I’d like to share what the WordPress AI thought of my post from 14/07/24.

“The content delves into personal reflections and struggles, discussing topics such as faith, addiction, and belonging to different communities.

The writing style is introspective and engaging, providing insight into the author’s thoughts and experiences.”

And this might raise a question or two. Is this worthwhile feedback given it’s an AI, trained maybe, but is it true criticism or feedback courtesy of a subjective mind? Am I cutting out to avoid some rambunctious critic spitting on my words?

I had a quick google and found an interesting opinion about using AI to grade papers which was food for thought. Guess who has an upcoming post planned.

But I digress, I opted to speak more on what it takes to keep me at a functioning level. Not normal (and I’ve got the makings of another blog post here), but appropriately functional. Admittedly it has taken stepping back to 4 days a week at work to feel it, but I’m loving that good sign.

So, with the heartfelt reminder that help and information is available through the links below, and it’s okay to not be okay and need that help, I’ll delve into my brain to break stigma, and improve on RUOK Day.

This post contains descriptions of mental illness and a reference to suicide. If these may trigger you, you do not have to continue.

Bipolar Type 1, or what they used to call Manic Depression.

Without my treatment, I’d be Kanye, just without the money. In fact, I very nearly was, after a foray trying to get off the mood stabilizer that does the most work for me, but is very sedating and appetite-increasing.

Long story short of an eventually-religious experience and an impromptu sermon out the front of St Mary’s Cathedral, I got strapped down and sedated and locked in St Vincent’s Hospital PECC ward overnight.

Several years on from then, yeah, it’s embarrassing to think I wrote I was the mirror of Jesus. But tempered with meds and knowing I need them to function, there’s some innate beauty to be found of the world, and I am a little whimsical – plus, scored faithfulness.

But even then, my entry-level job can get to me (see my point above).

The side order of Depression

Hello, Serotonin and Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SNRI). Without this, I get mainly get the S.H.I.T.s – anger, irritability, but also lowness and miserableness, and getting to the low place of wanting to end things at 18.

Please, if you are thinking or ideating, seek help from health and mental services, or your local crisis or help phone line.

The Bed of Psychosis

I had a psychotic episode at 18. From a belief I was under surveillance, convinced the cat was a robot at one stage, and at the height of the it I was trying to walk from Lithgow to Bathurst and decoding numberplates.

Scary as hell, I’ll accept it, and yet I knew I came to terms with it when I could laugh about it.

No drugs involved, it was the end result of a rough life and all manner of trauma getting revenge in a dopamine spike. It exists today as the surveillance thing if I see someone who seems weird or out of place.

But thanks to my antipsychotic, that’s a blip.

And something else to help things along

Medication 4, an antiepileptic that doubles as a mood stabiliser. It, like Med no. 3, was the hopeful alternative to the mood stabiliser. At least when I tried to rely on Med 3 it only took me being bolt awake on the third night to know I needed the one that caused extra sleepies.

Curse and a blessing, I guess?

A man bearing a heavy burden and physical and mental scars faces the Higher Power on his own terms.

Read his month’s short story, To See His Face, right here.

I will say, it’s a lot to take in, and a lot to take in one hit. I split my meds morning and night based on what I need. And taking all this stuff just to keep my brain operating and me able to work is saddening, and at times I wish I was normal.

But besides being a little shaky, sometimes needing to regather my thoughts, and that I don’t react well to things out of routine, I’m in an okay state of not okay.

And from getting held under Section 22 of the NSW Mental Health Act and needing sedation, observation, and a care plan for releasee (not to mention the post-sleep clarity in the PECC ward, “You know you had an episode, right?”), I’m very religious about my meds.

I have no choice.

But I have my psych, a great resource in Heal for Life for the trauma stuff, I have 12 Step for the addiction stuff, and while it got delayed another two weeks, an appointment with a counsellor to start unravelling more of my brainly ailments and assorted troubles.

Now, I will go deeper into mental health issues as I understand and feel them again, but check out the organisations below, research mental illnesses on Wikipedia, other reputable articles like Mayo Clinic, and if you are okay, think on how it would feel for you to experience these.

Catch up with my last post, What’s a Bi Ex-Atheist with Bipolar and an Addiction Doing Here?

And on that note, stay safe and healthy, take care, seek help and healing, and try to have a good one.

T.M.

Help for when or where you need it – you are worth it

Do you need help?

Do you need resources?

Please check out these links, and if you’re at immediate risk, please call your country’s emergency service.

T.M. Shannon